Malibu Express (1985)

October 13, 2018

1,432 9 minutes read

Film and Plot Synopsis

In Malibu Express, Cody Abiliene is a semi-successful private dick who can’t shoot straight. When he’s hired to solve the murder of Contessa Luciana’s husband, he jumps at the chance. However, Abilene soon uncovers a case of espionage, blackmail, and murder. There’s lots of hot bodies under suspicion in the original BBB film.

‘Malibu Express’ Movie Summary

The summary below contains spoilers.

Malibu Express begins with wealthy Texas playboy and private dick, Cody Abilene arriving at a shooting range. We learn he can’t shoot worth a damn, but he sure can drive. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.

Cut to a Los Angeles marina, and Cody relaxes on his boat, the Malibu Express, while some neighboring girls shower together in his bathroom. The government sends him a page to meet the good looking Contessa Luciana for an assignment. She wants his help to investigate who’s selling computer technology to the Russians.

She sends him to meet Lady Lillian Chamberlain and her family. On his way to their mansion, the Buffington family, a trio of stereotypical hicks, cuts Cody off on the road, and demand Cody race their boy, Bobo. You see, once upon a time, Cody’s daddy beat P. L. Buffington in a drag race, and their families have been a feudin’ ever since. Bobo’s car is filled with some high-octane gas, and beats Cody’s red DeLorean with ease. The Buffingtons celebrate as Cody drives off until Bobo’s engine overheats and blows up.

The investigation begins

Eventually, Cody arrives to the Chamberlain’s mansion. The family is your typical wealthy clan—dysfunctional, bored, and overly horny. After a quick meet and greet, Cody heads to gym where he gawks at the ladies working out.

While Cody’s there, back at the Chamberlain mansion, Shane, the chauffeur, bangs the married Liza Chamberlain in the shower, takes a picture, and then walks away…that son of a bitch!

The next day, Cody takes a swim, gets out all sexy-like, and then hits on Liza while Maid Marian serves up some finger food in a French Maid outfit. Meanwhile, at another part of the mansion, Shane, the chauffeur, bangs the married Anita Chamberlain, films it, and then leaves.

Since Liza’s Mercedes is in the shop, Cody drives her to Palm Springs to meet the mysterious computer magnate, Jonathan Harpe. There, she gives him a rolled up wad of money as Cody looks on. Jonathan’s three muscle-bound thugs, Matthew, Mark, and Luke, interrupt the meeting, and grope Liza. Cody excuses himself from the room, and drives away (not too sure how Liza is supposed to get home now). Jonathan orders his Synoptic Gospels to follow Cody’s ass, and once off the complex, they make him pull over for a chat.

A fight breaks out, and the boys threaten to shoot off Cody’s dick. Matthew then shoots Cody’s car dead while Mark and Luke hold him back. Now stranded in the desert outside of Los Angeles, Cody walks until he comes across a little junkyard in the middle of nowhere, and bangs the hot lot owner for the fastest ride she’s got.

Blackmail at the Chamberlain mansion

Back again at the Chamberlain mansion, Vic the Bookie calls Shane to collect on $30,000 Shane owes him, but he doesn’t have the money. Shane then blackmails Anita with their sex tape, and photos, but she doesn’t give him any money, and storms out.

Later that night, Shane takes her husband, Stewart, to the Sunset Strip, and Cody follows them. Shane then blackmails him for the money to keep his crossdressing fetish a secret. Stewart tells him no, and orders Shane to drop him off at the Screaming Cockatoo where he meets another crossdresser for cocktails.

Back again again at the Chamberlain’s mansion, there’s a big party going on, and Luciana is there with Cody. Vic shows up too to continue hassling Shane for his money, and threatens to cut him when the two are alone.

After the party, while watching his sex tape with Anita, a masked women with a striking resemblance to Liza shows up to Shane’s room, stabs him in the stomach, shoots him in the chest, and leaves him for dead. Before she leaves, Shane manages to take a photo of her face. The assailant runs off with Shane’s blackmail photos, pictures, and a camera, but she accidentally takes the wrong camera with the photo of her on it.

The next day by the pool, Cody swims up to Contessa Luciana who lounges next to it. They discover Shane’s dead body, and then share a tender kiss. We then see Maid Marian spying on Shane’s room while Anita searches it for the missing sex tapes. Cody shows up, and kicks out Anita. He then finds and takes the film in the camera with the killer on it, but he does not know what’s on the film at this time.

Thank heavens. The cops have arrived!

Lieutenant Arledge arrives to investigate, and has with him some “hard” evidence that was delivered to him…photos of Anita and Shane banging at a beach house.

Cody drives to the aforementioned beach house with Lieutenant Arledge’s sexy blond deputy, Beverly Mcafee (she and Cody have some history together) to look for clues. They decide to start the investigation with a homey romp in the sheets. Cody finds Shane’s remote to his blackmail camera, and films them doing the Malibu nasty.

Meanwhile, two hitmen, Tommy and Peter drive up in an inconspicuous black Ferrari, with orders to kill Cody, but he and Beverly are ready for them. Cody can’t shoot straight, so Beverly shoots and kills Peter…I think it was Peter…the names are a bit unclear at this point. She also kills the other guy, Tommy.

Since Lady Lillian is really the only one who knows they were going to the beach house, they surmise she’s the one who ordered the hit, but this plot point is never mentioned again in the film. Beverly calls the Lieutenant for help with the dead bodies while Cody goes back to the marina to regroup.

However, on the way home, Cody stops off at a grocery store for a peanut brittle candy bar…and to think things through. There, the Buffington Family shows up for another race. Bobo wins again, and the family gives him three big moons before he drives away. Redneck feuds in Malibu are not a pretty sight!

Time for a bit of rest and relaxation

By the time Cody gets back to the marina, night has fallen, and it’s been dark for quite sometime. That grocery store must have been in the next state! The Synoptic Gospels arrive to kill Cody on his boat. Cody’s friendly neighbor girls are there for some kinky sex, but Cody knows what’s up, and prepares for a shootout. Matthew shoots at Cody, and Cody shoots back; finally hitting something. He shoots Matthew’s left ear off, and smiles in triumph.

While Matthew and Mark flee, Luke searches the boat for the film. He doesn’t find it, and escapes with the other Gospels in the Caddie. Cody returns to his boat to kick the girls off it so he can get some sleep.

The next morning, Beverly calls Cody to tell him the Lieutenant arrested Stewart for Shane’s murder. Cody tells Beverly that he has film that he withheld from her as evidence that needs to be developed. He then calls up Sexy Sally, and asks her to put him in tough with June Khnockers (that’s with a “H”). Cody asks June to have Rodney develop his film for him. He hangs up, and then bangs the girls on his boat.

Beverly tells Lady Lillian about Stewart’s arrest, and then leaves. She meets up with Cody, and the two drive to Willow Springs Raceway to get that film developed. The police station might have been closer, but what do I know about Southern California geography?

The chase is on

Fast, not good. Huh. Sounds like most men I know. Rodney, the Photographer

On the way there, the Synoptic Gospels drive up behind Cody, and a chase starts, but Cody quickly loses them at the next offramp. Once at Willow Springs, Cody gives the film to Rodney to be developed. It doesn’t need to be good, just fast—just like the men Rodney knows. In the darkroom, Rodney finds the mysterious photo, and Cody asks her to print another with just the face.

The Synoptic Gospels arrive at the raceway, and pull out the big guns. They shoot Beverly in the shoulder, but don’t worry it’s just a flesh wound. She gives Cody her purse with the incriminating photo in it, and he runs off. A gunfight ensues. Cody still can’t hit shit, but his six-shooter seems to have more than six bullets. Matthew snaps when he pulls out a live grenade in the fight, and Mark and Luke stop him from using it.

Matthew then shoots at Cody, and kills a kid on a motor bike. Cody and June jump into her race car, and drive off into the desert. The Synoptic Gospels commandeer a helicopter, and take flight after him. June is oblivious to the drama going on around her, and the speed of the car heats her up more than the car’s engine. She starts undressing, and wants to bang Cody in it while he drives 180 miles per hour. The Gospels are literally right behind them at this point, so Cody politely shoots down her advances.

Matthew flips his wig

The helicopter pilot flies ahead, and drops off the Gospels. He then hightails it out of there to safety. Cody hits Matthew with his car, and then crashes through a wooden Cerulean Springs Gold Mining sign. Matthew flies back, and while holding a live grenade, it goes off; blowing him up before the injuries from the car accident can kill him.

Mark and Luke chase Cody and June. Everyone at this point shoots like a Stormtrooper. When Luke corners them, June flashes him her knockers (without a “H”), and Cody manages to shoot Luke in the side. He then takes Luke’s rifle (since he’s finally out of bullets in his own gun), and shoots Mark in the knee. Cody leaves the boys stranded in the desert to wander…without guns.

A Winnebago drives up with Andy Sidaris as its driver, and takes Cody and June to an AM PM in Palm Springs. There, June runs off to buy Cody more ammo while Cody calls Elizabeth. Cody runs off to a topless party at the mysterious computer magnate, Jonathan Harper’s HQ in Palm Springs.

We find Liza overacting with Jonathan as she bitches to him about him making her watch Shane bang Anita. Cody arrives, and shoots the radio dead. Everyone but Jonathan and Liza leave. Cody demands to know why Liza shot Shane, and then framed her brother for the crime. When she denies killing him and says Cody has no proof, he shows her the photo.

Lieutenant Arledge, Elizabeth, and another officer arrive just in time. Cody gives the Lieutenant the photo, and puts a stocking over Liza’s head. The picture and Liza look to be the same person, and the cops arrest her…or do they?

The exciting conclusion

Later that afternoon, the Buffington Family runs into Cody one more time for one more race. We go to a raceway in Los Angeles where Cody’s car sprouts some jet boosters before he and Bobo race off. He easily beats Bobo, and he’s parents cry over the loss. Cody gives P.L. Buffington a silver bullet to remember him by, and drives off to a get-together on his boat with all the film’s major characters.

The film closes on the Malibu Express for a big Thin Man style reveal. Everyone is there, including Liza. She wasn’t the killer after all. You see, Liza is left handed, and the woman in the photo held the gun in her right hand. Since everyone at the party was too drunk to kill Shane that night, that left only one woman to kill him…the government agent, Contessa Luciana.

Before Cody threw the party, he went to Contessa Luciana’s place to look for answers. He found a note that said she was now living in Hawaii, and she also admitted to killing Shane. She did it not only because he way ruining the Chamberlain’s lives, but also because he was the traitor selling computer technology to the Russians. She invited Cody, and he bulging body to meet her in Hawaii when his investigation for a further de-briefing. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.

Cue the “Naked Woman in Distress” 80s montage for a last minute T & A session, and the Malibu Express then sails off into the sunset.