Lighthearted Reviews

Twin Peaks Restaurants: A Lighthearted Review

“Goddamn. There are those bright lights from all of the TVs again.” I thought to myself as I was walking through the annoyingly heavy wooden double doors. I went on with my normal routine and found an empty cluster of seats at the bar. This is KEY in making sure no one talks to me. I fondly remember a possibly bi sexual mid 40s gentleman inebriated as hell trying to hit on me…and the lady bartender at the same time. Quite bold. Quite impressive. Quite Twin Peaks.

I order a well gin which is surprisingly priced appropriately. The busty brunette did her normal thing of putting a lime with my drink. She knows better, or at least she should, that I don’t do fruit with well gin. I want to TASTE that cheap poison in every sip. How many goddamn fresh limes has this person wasted on me? Oh well. Down the hatch. The truth is I actually kind of like this spot. I bury my face in my phone and nobody knows me here. It strums the strings of my inner introvert.

Ok. There are two mug sizes for the beer: man size and woman size. There is nothing like upselling your target demographic by emasculating them. Bravo, Dos Peaks. Well done.

Now the third. As a fairly ordinary Scottsdalian heterosexual, I find myself having a bit of cognitive dissonance. On the one hand, this is just blatantly herding the chauvinist pigs to objectify these actually decent human beings. On the other hand, there are many pairs of boobs hanging out, and it’s a daunting task trying not to catch every single one of them when my eyes survey the area.

That’s about it. My consensus: if you’re not just trying to find a place to drink, go to a strip club. And you know what, for that money, why pay for a tease? Go all out and hire yourself an escort. This is your world. You deserve it.

Ok. I’m about to head in to Four Peaks to slam down a few before work because I hate my job and work with a bunch of incompetent slack jawed open mouth breathers. Talk to you soon.

Guest Review by Anthony Tellez.

What do you think of Twin Peaks? Let us know in the comments below.

Twin Peaks Restaurants Website

Disclaimer: Opinions expressed are solely Anthony Tellez’s and do not express the views or opinions of the MHM Podcast Network and Fuzzy Bunny Slippers Entertainment LLC.

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