In Ivan Reitman’s Ghostbusters, Columbia University professors Peter Venkman, Ray Stantz, and Egon Spengler study parapsychology—otherwise known as bullshit pseudoscience. You know, like astrology, creation science, chiropractors, homeopathy, and Scientology. Fortunately, one of America’s finest universities recognizes the ridiculousness of this area of study, and it defunds their grant.
They don’t let this momentary unemployed slow down their passion for ghosts. They arm themselves with some nuclear proton guns, and start a small business called Ghostbusters. If you need someone to trap spooky ghouls, ghosts, poltergeists, and specters, they men are the fellas to call; they ain’t afraid.
Their first customer is the panty wearing Alien killer herself; Ripley…I mean Dana Barrett. The Temple of the Dog, Zuul, possesses her refrigerator, and looks to corrupt her quirky neighbor, Louis. Venkman takes an interest in the permed out cellist. He wants to make his own type of white noise with her; if you know what I mean.
Business continues to be slow until they get a call from an effeminate hotel manager and encounter a slimer. Slimer is kind of like Rosi O’Donnell. It’s fat, disgusting, eats and drinks anything in sight and leaves an ectoplasmic residue in its wake. They are able to capture this ghost using their proton guns and ghost trap.
However, Ray informs them what Christians have known for years: crossing your swords is bad. Think of it as all life as you know it stopping instantaneously. Then, every molecule in your body explodes at the speed of light. After they trap the less disgusting version of Rosi, they proudly announce that they came. They saw, and they kicked its ass.
Soon, their business is booming as New York City becomes a veritable cornucopia of paranormal activity. They are so busy, they hire a non-scientist, token, black guy to join them. Luckily though, he doesn’t die in this film. Something even more frightening than any Ghoul, The Environmental Protection Agency, pesters them as they continue to fight ghosts. Walter “Dickless” Peck of the EPA, for no apparent reason, is intent on shutting down the Ghostbusters. Even back in the 80s the EPA was out to shut down small business.
Meanwhile, back at Dana’s building, Louis throws a tax write off party, and Dana returns to her apartment. Terror dogs attack both of them. Dana turns into the sultry gatekeeper, Zuul. Louis turns into Vinz Clortho, the key master. Zuul and Vinz are minions of Gozor the Gozerian. Gozor isn’t a character from Fraggle Rock. Instead, he’s is a Sumerian God who takes on various forms in order to destroy civilizations. Kind of like Obamacare without the death panels.
Before they know it, the guys face an Armageddon like moment. The dead rise; the oceans boil; dogs and cats live together. Mass hysteria! All because the EPA shuts off the Ghostbuster’s power; releasing all the ghouls, ghosts, and cretans into the environment. Then, they arrest the Ghostbusters.
In jail, the guys learn that a crazy guy in the 20s built Dana’s building as doorway to Gozer. When the mayor allows the guys out of jail, they rush off to meet Gozer. While away, Gozer manifested himself into a white Grace Jones.
She disappears, but announces that the Ghostbusters must “choose the form of destruction”. Unable to clear their minds, Ray tells them he couldn’t help thinking about the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man. So what happens? A 10-story tall Stay Puff Marshmallow Man appears, and it forces the guys do the unthinkable; they cross swords. The resulting explosion destroys the marshmallow man and his minions. Louis and Dana survive for a sequel, and the Ghostbusters prove they ain’t afraid of no ghosts.