The Number Two Review

Tarzan the Ape Man (1981)

Episode #38

Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer (MGM) released Tarzan the Ape Man to theaters on July 24, 1981. John Derek directed the film starring Bo Derek, Richard Harris, and Miles O’Keeffe.

‘Tarzan the Ape Man’ Top 10

In honor of Bo Derek, I thought it would be best to summarize my top 10 reasons to watch Tarzan, The Apeman….

10) The number of porters used on an expedition into the African mountains looking for a mythical inland sea whose path was once scribbled on the back of a Howard Johnson’s restaurant napkin.

9) The number of times we hear Johnny’s Weissmuller Tarzan yell. That’s right, it’s Johnny Weissmuller—not Miles O’Keefe. Even the MGM lion belts out Johnny Weissmuller like he was the main course at a Crap Fest.

8) The number of crew members remaining after John Derek fired his staff for asking Bo what Dudley Moore was really like in bed.

7) The number of times Bo’s without undergarments while wearing a white dress, swimming, or breathing in the movie. Bo’s Pro tip: when on a tropical safari, pack lightly.

6) The number of times Richard Harris yells for his cannon in the film, but is only able to fire twice. Those pre-Viagra years were a bitch.

5) The total number of firearms protecting the entire expedition from unknown animal and headhunter attacks. If Indiana Jones taught me anything, it’s never take a knife to a gunfight.

4) The number of times we clearly see the headhunters, but the idiotic caravan never notices them standing right next to them. By the time they traipse through miles of jungle even Stevie Wonder is screaming that he can see them.

3) The number of elephants appearing in the entire movie until the final “stampede” of 15 which were on screen for a total of 20 seconds, even though the Dereks paid for 150 elephants to be in the movie.

2) The number of Irish wolfhounds used on the expedition because what African trip wouldn’t be complete without English Wolfhounds bouncing through the forest among the lions, tigers, apes, and big American breasts.

1) The number of big old white dudes painted to look like a black dude wrestling the beefcake Tarzan dude in front of a bunch of worthless painted up headhunter dudes who watch the Tarzan dude kill their chief dude then pointlessly watch the body painted nude hero dudette walk off to wrestle the naked Tarzan dude and his monkey in the final title sequence. I mean… Dude.

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Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer (MGM) released Tarzan the Ape Man to theaters on July 24, 1981. John Derek directed the film starring Bo Derek, Richard Harris, and Miles O'Keeffe.

User Rating: 0.65 ( 1 votes)
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    1. Horrible, horrible film. It is sad when you watch the film and think to yourself…Bo Derek’s performance in Bolero was so much better.

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