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The Goonies (1985)
Photo: Warner Bros.

The Goonies (1985)

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Directed by: Richard Donner
Starring: Sean Astin, Josh Brolin, Jeff Cohen

The Goonies Movie Summary

Astoria is a small town in Oregon where it rains 194 days out of the year; for 170 more, it pours. That leaves one day for a Goonie adventure, but the rich douche bag of the town is putting a damper on it with his plans to expand the local country club with a kick-ass golf course. The site for this soggy sod is a neighborhood known as the goon docks, which is inhabited by a handful of 99 percenters with their happy-go-lucky kids self tagged…wait for it…the Goonies.

Even though these families live near the country club, they are all somehow simultaneously facing foreclosure. With all the rain, I’d say they were underwater on their mortgages. Anyhow, the first house targeted by the stereotypical greedy land developer is owned by the local museum curator and socially awkward father of the leader of the socially awkward Goonies, Mikey, played by Samwise Gamgee himself. Samwise and his friends: Data, the token Asian; Mouth, the token coke head; and Chunk, the token fat kid are looking for some excitement on what could be their last weekend together…forever.

Unfortunately, Samwise’s older brother Jonah Hex failed his driver’s license exam leaving them stuck at home. Samwise forms his own fellowship of Hobbitses by convincing his goony friends to join him on a quest to search for pirate treasure hidden by the infamous One-Eyed Willy – yes, that’s right, his name is One-Eyed Willy. Why? Because Dick the Pirate, Captain Cock; and Penis Weiner, the mighty Johnson of the Sea were already promised to the band Erasure, the biggest cock hoarders of the 1980s. Keep your backs to the wall!

We come to find out that Mikey’s dad steals artifacts from the museum and keeps them in his attic. Up there, Chunk stumbles upon a picture with a treasure map hidden inside. Mikey takes it and the other critical trinkets to use in his journey.

Mikey and his friends make their way to a closed down restaurant where they meet the Fratellis, the token Italian criminals, hiding out after breaking one of their own out of jail, killing an FBI agent along the way. They aren’t Mafia. Nobody ever said anything about the Mafia. This counterfeit family also takes care of a giant mutant that they keep chained up in the basement so he doesn’t get into the ice cream.

Mikey and the Goonies are soon joined by Mikey’s older brother, Brand, and two chicks – The Bitch from ‘Lucas’ who has a rager for Brand, and her ugly four-eyed friend – the chick from parenthood (the movie, not the TV show).

The group leaves Chunk in the Trunk behind after they find a tunnel leading to an underground cavern. Chunk’s big trunk is trapped by the Fratellis and kept prisoner with their mutant brother, Sloth. Sloth is what would happen if The Rock mated with Rosie O’Donnell. They quickly learn about the kid’s quest and take off after them leaving Chunk and Sloth to develop their own little bromance.

The kids serendipitously encounter numerous booby traps, or as they say in China, booty traps, which were set by One-Eyed Willy. By the way, a One-Eyed Willy booby trap is not a very productive sex toy. Stick with the lotion, fellas. You will thank me for it later. Anyway, to avoid the booby traps the kids had to avoid One Eyed Willy’s balls, navigate One Eyed Willy’s hold, and one of the girls had to play a One Eyed Willy organ.

After many nut shots to the Fratellis’ family jewels, the Goonies finally find the pirate ship and One-Eyed Willy’s treasure of chocolate coins. Unfortunately for them, the Fratellis catch up and take the treasure for themselves. They force the kids to walk the plank into the icy water, but before spicy Italians can make their escape, One-Eyed Willy reveals one last One-Eyed trick. The crafty pirate didn’t want to spend the treasure. His intent was to remain a veritable prisoner in order to set up an elaborate booby trap that would ultimately cause his ship to set sail on the open seas.

The kids escape the Fratellis and are found by police who then reunite the Goonies with their families. Disappointment greets the bunch as they realize that their dream of saving the goon docks with the rich stuff has set sail.

The police then capture the Fratellis as they flee the scene, and a television crew descends on the group to hear the kid’s tale. Douche bag rich guy chooses this moment to return and execute the foreclosure papers. Just as Mikey’s dad is about to sign the documents, a marble bag is found with Willy’s jewels hidden inside. Without an appraisal, a buyer, or any knowledge of their market value whatsoever, he proclaims the goon docks saved – well at least his own house.

As the camera pans away from the merry group, One-Eyed Willy’s ship pulls out from the dark, wet, cave and sets out to explore Lady Ocean. Everyone watches it float away. Not one of them tries to stop it. You’d think with all that gold and treasure that someone might want to rent a boat with a motor faster than a sail and claim it, but nope. It doesn’t happen.

That’s Hollywood for you, and this is The End.

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